


Drowning on Dry Land

by BatmanWhoLaughss



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebellion Era - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blind Kanan Jarrus, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hera Syndulla Needs A Hug, Hurt Kanan Jarrus, Hurt/Comfort, Kanan Jarrus Needs a Hug, Major Character Injury, Post-Episode: s02e21-22 Twilight of the Apprentice, Recovery, Smut, relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:34:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24669979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatmanWhoLaughss/pseuds/BatmanWhoLaughss
Summary: At first, she'd rarely left his side, helping him change his bandages and guiding him around the base and the Ghost. She’d held his hand and felt him tremble as the medics told him he would never regain his sight. She’d tried to make things seem normal. Now, Hera could feel him withdrawing, curling in on himself like he always did when he thought he deserved the pain he was in.After Malachor, Kanan and Hera struggle with their new reality. Coming back to each other is messy, painful, and slow. But they always find a way.[M rated content in final chapter only]
Relationships: Ezra Bridger & Hera Syndulla, Kanan Jarrus & Hera Syndulla, Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Comments: 57
Kudos: 136





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The "Kanan recovers from Malachor" fic that no one asked for!!! I'm really interested in exploring all the messy emotions that Kanan and Hera were feeling after Kanan lost his sight, and I'm really excited to finally write this. Glad to have you along for the ride-- Enjoy!!!

It had been over a month since Malachor, and Hera had barely caught a glimpse of Kanan for the past two weeks. 

At first, she rarely left his side, helping him change his bandages and guiding him around the base and the  _ Ghost.  _ She’d held his hand and felt him tremble as the medics told him he would never regain his sight. She’d tried to make things seem normal. They all did, really, pretending it was business as usual even though it was anything but. 

Eventually, though, the Rebellion beckoned. Even though Hera did her best to delegate tasks to others, Phoenix Squadron wouldn’t wait forever. She was needed, and as much as it hurt to tear herself away from Kanan, she knew that the cause came first. 

She almost balked the first time she got commed in his presence. She watched him stiffen, trying to be stoic while his lip quivered as she told him Sato needed her. It was all she could do not to climb into bed next to him and hurl her comlink against the wall, but she played the dutiful soldier instead.  _ He understands,  _ she remembered thinking. She tried to ignore the hollow ache in her chest as she walked out of the room. 

Now, the Rebellion had been keeping Hera so busy that she’d barely seen Kanan. They’d been trying to get the base up and running, and the Ghost had been grounded for a little while as they made Atollon home. She hadn’t seen much of Ezra either; he’d also been distant since Malachor, and she knew she’d have to talk to the kid eventually. She tried to be near Kanan when she could, catching short moments with him in the mornings and sometimes the late evening as she woke up or headed to bed, but lately even those moments were rare. 

Hera could feel him withdrawing, curling in on himself like he always did when he thought he deserved the pain he was in. This wasn’t the first time; he had a habit of not letting anyone near him when he was hurting. He had some misguided, chivalrous notion that he couldn’t let the rest of them see his pain, her in particular. She’d seen him retreat inside his own head before, but it had never lasted this long.  _ But then, he’s never been  _ blinded _ before, has he? _

Hera sighed, rubbing the back of her neck. She  _ missed _ him, missed his warm, comforting presence and his easy smile beside her. She had to talk to him, and soon, otherwise she worried she might never get him back. She didn’t think she could handle losing him for good.

\----

Kanan lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling through unseeing eyes. Eyes closed or open, all he saw was darkness now, an endless sea of nothingness that lodged itself deep in his heart and refused to leave. He’d been trying to get some rest; Hera mentioned he looked tired yesterday, but sleep eluded him no matter how hard he tried. He hadn’t gotten a full sleep cycle in since Malachor, and he suspected it would be a while before he managed to sleep soundly again. The medics said his body still needed to adjust, and no one could seem to tell him how long this so-called “adjustment period” was supposed to last. 

Kanan swallowed thickly, fighting the lump that had begun to permanently lodge itself in his throat over the past month. He knew he was being selfish, lying in bed and feeling sorry for himself like this, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. 

At the beginning, once they told him that he would never see again, he’d been defiant, determined to adjust to his new reality. Hera was eager to help him, showing him how to navigate the  _ Ghost _ and grounding him with her steady presence. He could never resist her optimism, and he fed on it as he tried to re-learn how to accomplish simple tasks. Sabine, Zeb, and Ezra tried to help too, and he was even hopeful for the future. 

Then, as the days dragged on in everlasting darkness, heavier emotions began to settle in. He’d started leaving his room less and less, withdrawing from the team as the reality of everything he’d lost began to hit hard. Guilt, frustration, and self-pity coursed through him, and even though he knew he should fight these feelings, should put on a brave face for the others, he couldn’t do it. They were worried; Kanan was so attuned to the rest of them that he could tell, but he found he didn’t care. He didn’t care about much of anything anymore. He was almost right back where he started, back when he was an apathetic rogue bouncing from planet to planet and just trying to survive. He’d sunk that low, and he couldn’t pull himself out of it.

_ Haven’t I given enough? Haven’t the Empire and the Sith taken enough from me already?  _ Every bone in his exhausted body was frustrated and upset. Ashoka was dead. Ezra was drifting further and further away. Hera was throwing herself into the Rebellion because he couldn’t get his act together. Even the  _ Force _ felt distant from him now, closed and impenetrable in a way he hadn’t known since he was a teenager intentionally blocking it out. 

Kanan blamed himself for all of it. Logically, he knew Hera wouldn’t want him beating himself up like this, but he couldn’t help it. The guilt ate at him in a way he hadn’t felt since Master Billaba died, and he felt paralyzed against it. 

Underneath the guilt was a whole other swirl of grief, one that he hadn’t even fully explored yet. At first, he took comfort from the presence of the others; they calmed him, distracting him from messy emotions that he wasn’t ready to face. But eventually, spending time with the rest of them just made him ache. Aggravation at being treated like he was made of glass mixed with the overwhelming pain of knowing he would never see their faces again until it was easier to just avoid the crew entirely. 

He felt small, weaker than he had in a  _ long _ time as he closed his eyes. The night before, he’d woken up in a cold sweat, his face streaked with tears as he realized he couldn’t remember the precise shade of green of Hera’s eyes, or the exact color of Ezra’s hair. Little things were already starting to blur in his mind. Tiny details that he’d taken for granted all these years were starting to slip through the cracks, and every time he found he couldn’t remember something, his chest seized up in a blind panic. It terrified him, more than he wanted to admit, and he’d been afraid to go to sleep since. He worried he would start to forget them all, little by little until he was alone without even memories to keep him sane.

Bitterly, he wondered if Hera even wanted to see him now.  _ She doesn’t need to waste time playing babysitter to the blind man. _ His lip trembled as he screwed his eyes shut.

Trapped in a vicious cycle of grief and guilt, Kanan lay on his back, but did not sleep. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera tries to talk to Kanan, but things don't quite go as planned.

It was another week before Hera had a day off. 

She’d been waiting for this, patiently hoping for a free day so she could finally refocus her attention on one very stubborn, grieving Jedi that was still avoiding everyone. Finally, _finally_ , there was a lull in between missions where Sato and Phoenix Squadron didn’t have any immediate need for her or the _Ghost_ , and she could prioritize the person who needed her most. 

She’d been planning what to say to him for weeks. Part of her wanted to simply pull him into her arms and wring his pain out of him like a wet rag, but she knew he would shut down before she even got close. Coaxing emotions out of Kanan was a complicated process. He never liked to talk about what was bothering him, and it often took a long time before he would really come clean about how he was feeling. He liked to pretend he was fine until he physically couldn’t do it anymore, until he sheepishly walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, his body shaking and his head on her shoulder. _Then_ he’d talk, quietly admitting what he was struggling with where only she could hear it.

Hera didn’t want to push him any further away, and in order to do that, she had to let him come to her. She didn’t know what it would look like when he finally did; she’d never seen him this closed-off before. But she knew she had to do something to try and speed the process along a bit. She hoped that if she gave him something to focus on, something that would make him feel needed, he would come one step closer to opening up.

She found Kanan sitting in the common room at the small dejarik table, his eyes closed and his hands resting on his lap. If she didn’t know better, she would have said he was meditating, but his furrowed brows betrayed him. Something was bothering him, keeping him from fully slipping into a trance like he used to. _But isn’t something always bothering him nowadays?_

Hera sat down next to him, resting the datapad she was carrying on the table. She knew he’d heard her moving around the common room, which is why she didn’t bother announcing herself before sitting down. She knew Kanan didn’t like to be coddled, hated it when people walked on eggshells around him, so she had to be _very_ careful with how she went about coaxing him back into the real world. She needed to bring him back to normalcy slowly, but not too slow that he would feel like a child. Giving him small tasks, one at a time until he was ready for bigger ones, had worked in the past when he’d been injured, and she hoped it would help them now.

He nodded his head slightly in her direction at her soft murmured hello, but didn’t open his eyes. She could see his jaw clench as he sighed, but she didn’t miss the way his body subtly shifted, angling towards her slightly enough that he thought she wouldn’t notice. _Oh, Kanan…_ He was worse than she thought, if he was subtly hinting at his need for affection like this. It was like he wasn’t aware he was doing it, like his body was trying to tell her how badly he wanted to be close to her again.

She reached for his hand, twining their fingers together. She didn’t miss the way his breath suddenly hitched, or the tiny, almost imperceptible noise he made. It’d been so _long_ since she’d touched him at all, probably the longest they’d gone without touching in years. He opened his eyes as she spoke softly, hesitant to break the quiet of the moment. 

\---

“I wanted your help.” Hera’s voice was like music to him. It always was, but with his other senses becoming more sensitive to accommodate his blindness, he could hear every syllable with an intense clarity. Warmth spread through Kanan like someone dumped it over his head in a bucket, and he swallowed thickly. He nodded at her once, an invitation to continue. “I’ve got a plan for this next op - I wanted your opinion on it.” 

She was still holding his hand, rubbing her thumb across the back of it in soft circles. He nodded again, though his chest ached. _I’m useless to them now. I can’t help them on missions anymore._ As much as he missed her, and the way things used to be, he was still on edge. He knew that she was only doing this for his benefit, because it was the only way he could be helpful, and the part of him that was still bitter and angry and sad resented her for it. 

Still though, Kanan missed her enough that he was willing to humor her, even for a little while. “What’s the job?” He hoped that she couldn’t hear the hard edge to his voice. He hated that this was all he was good for now, but he was also hopelessly devoted to her every whim. He would always do whatever Hera needed from him, above anything else. 

“Liberating some explosives from an Imperial light cruiser. Should be a simple op. Get in and get out quick before they even notice anything’s amiss.” She went over the rest of the plan in detail, talking him through every step of it. She walked him through their entry and exit strategies, the routes to and from the explosives and the hangar, and their intel on the crew of the ship. He tried to focus on the information instead of how good it felt to hear her voice again, but his heart was stubbornly trying to outweigh his brain.

When Hera finished, he mulled it over for a bit, chewing his bottom lip thoughtfully. It was a decent plan, all things considered, but it seemed like a pretty high-risk mission for so little reward. “What’s so special about these explosives? Seems like a lot for a little if you ask me. Don’t know why we’d waste the time and resources.” 

He could hear Hera’s tone change slightly as she spoke. Before, her words were soft and light, but now there was an edge of apprehension to them that Kanan didn’t like. Was she still so cautious around him that she felt like she had to choose her words carefully? The self-deprecating haze surrounding his brain became a little bit thicker at the thought. 

“They’re scheduled to be delivered to a Star Destroyer above Corellia. Our intel says the Empire’s planning to threaten the planet into speeding up ship production.” Hera’s voice always held an edge to it when she was talking about the Empire, and this was no exception. He could hear it even more clearly now.

“Still seems like a milk run compared to the stunts you usually pull. And you’ve mapped out a route that takes you right past a barrack. There will be much less troopers if you move through the south corridor.” He remembered that from before, when he’d glanced at some schematics of Imperial cruisers. _The last time I’ll ever look at a datapad… didn’t think I’d miss that._

“What? No… no I didn’t. Let me see.” 

He could feel his defenses rising, almost against his will. He couldn’t explain why, but he knew he was right, and the fact that Hera didn’t believe him stung a bit. The rational part of him knew he was being ridiculous, but the irrational part of him, the part that was still trapped in a cycle of self-loathing was taking over. 

“You did. Unless the way light cruisers are designed has changed in the last month.” He didn’t recognize his own voice. “I lost my eyes, not my mind.” He didn’t want to snap at her, wasn’t sure _why_ he was snapping at her - she hadn’t done anything. But he was miserable and frustrated and he wanted to be _useful_ again, for kriff’s sake. The dark part of his brain wondered if she no longer trusted him, now that he was more of a liability than a crew member. “Anyway. You didn’t answer my question. Why the milk run? They should be giving you more important things to do, shouldn’t they?”

\---

The bitter edge to Kanan’s voice took Hera by surprise. She could see the tension in his body, the clench of his jaw and the way his hand subtly tightened its grip on hers. She used to be able to see all of his emotions naked in his eyes, but ever since Maul’s lightsaber took his sight, she had to rely on other ways to read him. 

She raised an eyebrow, clamping down firmly on the urge to snap back at him. That would only make things worse. But she was confused, and she knew he could tell when she didn’t speak for a moment. He seemed to curl further away from her, and she tried to keep herself calm. 

“Kanan wh- I know your mind’s still as good as it always was.” Her voice pitched upwards as her own defenses rose up, despite her attempts to keep her emotions in check. “And, well, Sato thought we could use a break. Something easy, since-”

“Since you’re down a Jedi.” 

Hera sucked in a breath. She wasn’t going to say it, not like _that_ , anyway, but there was so much venom in his voice that it scared her. She fought the wave of hurt that coursed through her at Kanan’s tone. _It’s not about me. He’s hurting, and that’s why he’s crabby._ She took a deep breath, willing her own emotions to cool off as she tried to steady her voice. 

“Since you’re still healing, love.” He huffed a bitter laugh, and she fought down another wave of hurt as he let go of her hand. He made his way to the far side of the room, bracing his back against the counter. 

She tried again. “We’re not even taking the _Ghost_ on this one. Sabine, Ezra and Zeb are leading a squad in a stolen shuttle. That way I can-” 

“What, so you can stay behind and babysit the blind man?” He scoffed. “No thanks.”

That tore it. “Kanan, _stop it._ Just stop it.” She knew snapping at him would only make things worse, that he didn’t really mean it, but she was stressed out too, and she couldn’t help it. 

He swallowed, his mouth set in a thin line. “I can take care of myself for a couple days.”

“I _know_ you can, that’s not what this is about-” 

“Then stop treating me like a kriffing invalid!” He was yelling now, in a tone she’d never heard from him before. This wasn’t about the mission, even, not anymore. She could see it written across his whole body. This was pure pent-up frustration and self-loathing, all the emotions he’d pushed down and locked away for a month and a half bubbling to the surface like an active volcano. He couldn’t stop himself even if he wanted to. 

Hera _knew_ she had to de-escalate this before it drove a wedge between them, but before she could stop herself her own anger slipped out. “I’m _not!_ I want to _help_ you, Kanan - we all do. You don’t have to _do_ this on your own.”

He laughed again, but there was no humor in it. “Just admit it Hera. I’m a liability, and you know it. I’m a crew member, and now I can’t do my job.”

She was overcome with the urge to smack him. How could he think he was still _just_ crew after all their years together? “Kanan, you know that’s not true.” Her voice rose of its own accord to match his. Her own tiredness and frustration were coming to the surface now. “You _know_ we don’t see you that way.” 

“I can _sense_ it Hera! I can _feel_ you all constantly worrying about me. You’re all afraid to even let me out of your sight, and the tension in here is driving me crazy.”

That… Alright, admittedly that was something she hadn’t considered, but she was too worked up to care. “Because we care about you! _I_ care about you! You’re family, Kanan - are we not allowed to worry?”

“I don’t need everyone treating me like I’m made of glass, Hera.” He scoffed and rolled his eyes. “I’m blind, not incompetent.” 

Now Hera was really starting to snap. “Yes, you’re _blind_ , and instead of letting us help you, you’ve done nothing but push all of us away - push _me_ away. You act like you have to deal with everything on your own, no matter how much we all try to convince you that you _don’t_ . You’re _not_ alone, you kriffing masochist, you don’t _have to be alone_. But by all means, keep acting like a baby if it helps you relax.”

Silence followed her impromptu speech. Her hands were clenched into fists at her sides. Frustrated tears blurred her vision and a dark green flush colored her cheeks. He was stunned into silence on the other side of the room, his hands gripping the countertop so tightly that his knuckles were whitening. His mouth was open slightly, in a slack-jawed expression that told her he _really_ wasn’t expecting that.

Kanan swallowed thickly, letting out a shaky sigh. For a moment, he looked like he wanted to say something more. She could see the remorse in his expression, just a glimpse of it, before his face turned steely again and he stalked from the room. She heard the door of his bunk open and shut behind him, and it was a moment before she remembered how to breathe.

Dimly, she realized she was surprised he hadn’t tripped over everything in his hasty exit. She stood stock still another moment longer, before she all but collapsed onto the bench below her. Her head was in her hands, and the frustrated tears began to spill over as she remembered the stunned look on his face. 

Hera hadn’t meant to yell at him. The _last_ thing she wanted to do was hurt him more, but her own cocktail of emotions played a trick on her until the two of them were fighting in a way they hadn’t in years. Remorse and shame burned hot and heavy in her heart, creating an ache she wasn’t sure would go away. She didn’t blame him, not at all, but she knew _he_ probably did. She knew him, well enough to know that he was probably punishing himself even more for acting like a moody teenager, even though he couldn’t help it. 

She wasn’t mad at him, truly she wasn’t; she couldn’t blame him for being frustrated. He’d survived so much over the years, but she could see how much this terrified him, and it was only natural for him to lash out. She knew how much Kanan needed stability, something to ground him to reality. For someone who relies on the world around him, on his connection to other beings to keep himself sane, being trapped in a world of nothing had to be worse than anything. 

She pounded her fist on the table in front of her. All she wanted was to see him smile again, but she felt like she’d just drawn a line in the sand between them. Good kriff, she loved him, she really did, but this beautiful, stupid, stubborn, self-sacrificing _ass_ of a human had always known how to push her buttons the way no one else in the galaxy ever could.

The adrenaline was still coursing through her body as she stood up. She wiped the last of her tears away and made her way to the cockpit. She needed to clear her head, and being in the cockpit of a ship always seemed to do the trick. She all but stomped through the _Ghost_ , ignoring Chopper’s curious warbling as she went. 

They both needed to cool off. She hoped he would let her apologize soon, but they both needed time before they talked again. 

She slid down into the pilot’s chair, rubbing her temple as she watched the base around them. Nothing was ever simple, not for them. It never had been; Hera and Kanan had been fighting side by side almost a decade now, but she wondered if this was going to be the thing that finally pushed them apart. 

The thought was enough to bring tears to her eyes again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all aboard the angst train to start out, folks. Kanan is miserable and frustrated about life and he inadvertently takes it out on Hera. But! fear not, reconciliation will come. Shout out to everyone who's read this fic so far- I'm excited to share the rest with you!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera tries to keep the Ghost running while Kanan heals. This includes trying to help one very stubborn padawan.

Kanan sat at the outskirts of the base, stubbornly attempting to meditate as the Atollon sun blazed in the sky. He couldn’t see it, but he could feel the heat against his skin as a single bead of sweat trickled down the back of his neck. 

He was still closed off from the Force in a way he hadn’t been since his teens. He’d been trying to meditate more as of late, trying to stubbornly convince the Force to open up to him again. Though he felt like he was making progress, it was still a struggle to open himself up. He was still blocked, dark emotions forming a bitter tangled web that he still couldn’t unravel no matter how he tried. 

He was getting better at stumbling his way through the base, and he knew enough about where most things were positioned that he didn’t need Sabine or Zeb to always hold his arm when he moved. But as he sat there, his brows forming a frustrated line as he tried to concentrate, he found that he still couldn’t truly feel the connection to other beings that he’d grown so used to. It eluded him now, as his inner turmoil threatened to eat him alive.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. He’d taken to keeping it loose since Malachor, since he hadn’t quite mastered the art of keeping his ponytail fully centered. He could sense the base around him, like a dull buzzing in his ear, but clarity eluded him. He used to be able to feel things through the Force like he was seeing them with his own eyes, which, now… _Well. It’s a slow process, right?_

He’d heard stories of the old Jedi Masters being able to use the Force to replicate senses that had been lost. He would never be at that level, but he had hoped he would at least be able to see _something_ by now, that using the Force to see would stop him from tripping over rocks that always seemed to be out of place. 

Inevitably, Kanan’s thoughts drifted to Ezra, as they often did while he was meditating. Their bond had become thin and fragile since he lost his sight, and every time he tried to pull at it, tried to get Ezra to come back to him, he found that he was emphatically blocked. He suspected that his own end might be blocked too, but he hadn’t felt Ezra try to contact him since they got back. The kid was a shut door, and he could tell that Hera was worried too. But he still couldn’t bring himself to face the elephant in the room, and he hated it. 

_Hera._ He still couldn’t face her after his outburst last week. He was _mortified,_ ashamed that he yelled at her after she was just trying to help. He knew it was cowardly, but he couldn’t bring himself to man up and apologize to her, even though he knew she deserved to hear it. 

He could still feel her- Hera was the one person he would _always_ be able to feel through the Force, no matter how closed off he was. He could tell she didn’t blame him, which was somehow the worst part; she was so worried for him that it permeated the air around the Ghost. She was stressed, both from her Rebellion duties and trying to keep the Ghost together while he was healing. And he was making it worse by refusing to pull his head out of his own ass. 

Kanan let out another frustrated sigh, closing his eyes again. He was pretty sure meditation was a bust, but he had to keep trying. He wasn’t any good to them if he didn’t keep trying.

\----

Hera sat in the cockpit of the Ghost, checking out a nonexistent fault in the internal comms system that she could _swear_ was there, even though Chopper and Sabine insisted that everything was perfect. She knew her ship, and she _knew_ that there was something off, a crackle of static in the speakers that shouldn’t be there, and she was determined to root it out. She’d been at it for hours, and she hadn’t found the source yet. 

Or maybe she was just avoiding Kanan. 

They’d managed not to cross paths since their fight in the common room. She wasn’t sure if he was avoiding her or she was intentionally staying out of his way, but they still hadn’t talked. She knew they needed to, _desperately,_ but Kanan was still moody and she was still stressed, and there always seemed to be something that needed her attention more. 

She still wasn’t angry at him. She knew him well enough to know that he was probably too ashamed of himself to come talk to her. She didn’t know how to broach the subject with him either, though. He was still moody, and even more withdrawn now, so anything she did had the potential to drive him further away. 

So, she focused on keeping the Ghost running and the crew pacified while Kanan was… indisposed.

He’d been meditating a lot more recently, which she thought was a good sign. It meant he was starting to try and find his way back to his old self, which Hera missed desperately. Sabine and Zeb had been giving her discreet updates when Kanan wasn’t looking; she doubted that he knew they were keeping an eye on him, but Hera knew they were just as worried as she was. Sabine had shown her the face shield she was working on making for him, but she hadn’t had the courage to give it to him yet. Hera suspected it wouldn’t go over that well right now. 

Zeb seemed to be taking Kanan’s blindness in stride, taking care to stay out of his way, but trying to help when needed. He had taken to making extra meals for him, leaving them outside Kanan’s door, or bringing them to him while he was meditating. Hera kept reminding him that his kindness was appreciated, and she hoped Kanan was too. Zeb had even let Kanan use his secret hideout on base for meditation, giving him a place where he could be alone and away from prying eyes. Hera knew how much Zeb liked his privacy, and how much it must have cost him to give that up for Kanan. 

Sabine’s approach was more practical, but Hera could see how much she worried for Kanan, even as she tried to hide it. Sabine normally chose to hide her emotions behind a tough front, but Hera could see the looks of pain on her face every time Kanan tripped over something. She’d taken to rigidly making sure that everything was in its proper place on the ship, that no one moved something to where Kanan wouldn’t be able to find it if he needed to. She was even working on a system of labeling the ships controls, embossing nameplates for each switch so that Kanan could feel which lever was which. 

She was immensely grateful for both of them, and for their ability to compartmentalize the situation enough to offer practical solutions. She hadn’t quite reached that point with her own feelings just yet. 

She heard movement in the hallway outside the cockpit. Sabine and Zeb were on an off-base supply run with Rex, and Chopper was running diagnostics on the base security systems with Sato. _Was that… was he back?_ Her heart caught in her throat as she opened the cockpit door.

Instead of the Jedi she expected to see, she was startled to see Ezra looking at her with wide eyes. She hadn’t seen much of the kid the past few weeks; he had taken to staying in his room most of the time, and the only time he seemed to leave was when he was assigned to missions. His close-cropped hair was still jarring to look at, but even stranger was how tall he had gotten. He’d grown up a lot, but something about him had been different since they got back from Malachor. Hera knew the kid probably still blamed himself for everything that happened, but she hadn’t been able to talk to him about it.

“Ezra! It’s good to see you.” 

He smiled at her, a real, genuine smile that she was relieved to see. “Hey, Hera. I was just grabbing some things for Chopper.”

Hera studied him, in that way an overprotective parent might. Because he _was_ the closest thing that she and Kanan had to a son, if she stopped to think about it. And, maybe, she could help Kanan by figuring out what was going on with his apprentice. 

He’d gotten thinner since Malachor, and she noticed dark circles under his eyes, like he was sleeping less and less. His shoulders seemed tense, like something was weighing heavily on him, and there seemed to be something… _darker_ about him that even Hera could see. Kanan had been right to worry, and her heart pounded in her chest as she stepped closer to him. 

“Ezra.” She wasn’t sure how to start this conversation, wasn’t sure if he was even ready to have it, but she needed to at least say _something_. “Are you alright?”

He frowned, confused, but she could see his defenses rising. “Fine. Why wouldn’t I be? I’m mission-ready, as always.” _This kid… always so desperate to prove himself and be useful. Wonder where he gets_ that _from?_ She was thinking of another stubbornly heroic man in the back of her mind as she spoke again. 

“That’s not what I meant.” She laid a hand on his arm. “I mean, how _are_ you? We haven’t had a chance to talk since…” _Since all three of you nearly died. Since a Sith Lord left permanent scars on all of you that I’m not sure I can fix, and took parts of you that I’m afraid you’ll never get back._ “I just wanted to know how you’re holding up.” 

Ezra’s shoulders slumped, the fight going out of him a little, even as some slight tension was still there. “I’m alright, Hera. I’m just tired. Hasn’t been the easiest few weeks.” He was grumbling, the way he always did when there was something on his mind. She could always tell when he was lying, or when he was holding something back- she didn’t need to use the Force to see that. She could tell he’d been beating himself up, and she’d been too focused on Kanan’s pain to see that Ezra needed her too. _Help one, maybe it’ll help the other, too._

“Ezra…” she kept her tone gentle, light and soothing. “You know that what happened on Malachor wasn’t your fault, right?” 

Immediately, he tensed up again. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” His voice was bitter and angry, and Hera hated it. She fought back the sudden urge to snap back at him; she saw how well that went with Kanan, and she didn’t want to fight with Ezra too. 

“Ezra. No one blames you. The things Kanan has told me about the Sith… you never stood a chance. None of you did.”

“I should’ve been able to stop him!” There was a fire in his eyes that Hera hadn’t seen since he was chasing information about his parents. “I _will_ stop him, next time.” The second phrase was a whisper. 

“Hey, listen to me.” Hera tilted Ezra’s chin up, forcing him to look her in the eye. “If he shows up again, we’ll stop him together. And… what happened to Kanan-” 

“Don’t.” Ezra’s voice was shaky, and it stopped Hera in her tracks. He pulled away from her, turning away. “I can’t. Not yet.” And then he was gone, walking away from her and into his bunk before she could blink. 

Hera sighed. One stubborn, grieving Jedi was bad enough, but _two?_ Her boys were terribly blocked, and as she turned back towards the cockpit, she felt more frustrated than when she had left. Ezra and Kanan needed to talk, maybe even more than she and Kanan did, but neither of them were in a place to do it just yet. She had half a mind to lock them in the cargo bay together until they worked things out, but trapping Jedi was harder than it looked. They’d find a way out before she could blink, and then they’d both be mad at her. 

It didn’t stop the feeling of helplessness coursing through her. Hera could see the crew subtly starting to drift apart, even as they were trying to come back together, and she feared that nothing she did would stop the inevitable dissolution. Ezra once told her that he couldn’t face losing another family, and if Maul’s betrayal wound up being the reason he did, she would kill the sleemo herself- Sith Lord or no. And Kanan…

Kanan once told her that he felt safer on the Ghost, and with her, than anywhere in the universe. He said that having a family like this kept him sane, and if he lost that… he would never recover. The grief would drive him mad, might even kill him. And if Hera lost this little family she’d spent years carving out despite the best efforts of the Empire… all the TIEs in the galaxy wouldn’t be enough to stop her. 

She just had to figure out how to prevent that future before it became real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy, this chapter was hard to write. But next chapter is when Kanan finally starts to come back to Hera and the crew, and I'm excited to write it!!! Sorry this took so long- I'm hoping to have the next chapter up sooner rather than later.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan is finally doing a bit better, and Hera has an idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy, so sorry this took so long. But! This is where things start to get happy again!

Hera was getting fed up. 

Kanan was still avoiding her, still stubbornly refusing to talk to anyone and hiding on the outskirts of the base. She was happy he was at least trying to come back to the Force, but her worry for him, for  _ them,  _ was forming a tight coil in her gut as the days dragged on.

She’d been thinking about how to get through to him, and so far she was still coming up empty. The last time she’d asked for his help, it had ended with one of their biggest fights ever, and she desperately wanted to avoid another shouting match. She  _ ached _ for him, for the easy companionship and trust that they’d shared before he lost his sight, and she spent her nights tossing and turning in her cabin missing his warm body next to hers. 

Hera could see he had been doing better, though he still hadn’t found it in him to bring up what happened. He seemed to be out and about more now, though, so she hoped that, whatever he was working through, he was at least making progress. She had discreetly asked Sabine and Zeb to keep an eye on Kanan and Ezra, and meanwhile, she had been plotting her next move. 

She knew that Kanan  _ hated _ being treated like a baby. The man was a  _ Jedi,  _ for kriff’s sake- he knew how to take care of himself. He’d said as much, when they fought, so she knew she had to be careful not to wound his pride with any action she took moving forward. She was treading a  _ very _ thin line, trying to be mindful of his injuries while still being respectful of his skillset and his mind. Clearly she hadn’t done a good enough job last time. 

Hera sat up in bed, having given up on getting some sleep tonight. It stubbornly eluded her, her dreams full of the brightest blue-green in the galaxy and a smile that she hadn’t seen in months. Sabine said that Kanan had been having an easier time getting around lately, and he’d been relying less and less on droids and other people to help him navigate. Even Rex, who had been avoiding most people since Ahsoka went missing, had mentioned once or twice that he was impressed with Kanan. Rex knew the Jedi of old, but he’d never seen one blinded before, and he had admitted to Hera that even he didn’t know what Kanan’s recovery would be like.

Her head was in her hands, her lekku hanging down over her shoulders. She sighed deeply, mulling over the past week in her head. She’d definitely caught a few more glimpses of Kanan lately, and he’d even given her a small smile once or twice, but he still seemed to have an aura of impenetrable sadness around him that she wasn’t sure how to crack. She’d asked Rex to pull some research for her, about how to treat traumatic injuries and how to aid in the recovery process. Even after reading all that information, though she still felt like she was in uncharted waters. 

Then she froze as the beginning of an idea began to take shape in her head. The last time she’d asked for Kanan’s help, it ended badly for everyone involved, but it had been a while since then. He still wasn’t mission-ready, and wouldn’t be for a while, but she thought maybe she could coax him into getting back to work in another way. A diagnostic on the  _ Ghost _ that afternoon had picked up a fault in the communications array. Hera was going to ask Sabine to fix it, but now she made up her mind to ask Kanan instead.

She knew he felt bad about not pulling his weight, and she hoped that starting him with something simple like checking the wiring would be good for him. The more she thought about it, the more it seemed like a good plan; it would hopefully be just the small push he needed without being too insensitive. 

Hera lay back down, resolving to find Kanan first thing the next morning. She had to make sure to catch him before he left the  _ Ghost,  _ otherwise he would disappear for the entire cycle. She didn’t want to put this off any longer than she had to, or give Kanan any more time to pull away. She had to start coaxing him back to her, otherwise she wasn’t sure she ever would.

\---

Kanan woke up early, intending to sneak off the  _ Ghost _ before the others woke up. He wasn’t avoiding the others as much as he had been before. Now that he was starting to become at least somewhat self-sufficient, he felt a little bit better about showing his face around the base. He’d been spending more time around Sabine and Zeb, and even  _ Chopper _ had been making an extra effort to be near him the past few days. He still couldn’t understand binary, but he knew that a lot of Chopper’s angry warbling could be simply translated as  _ talk to Hera.  _

He had thought a lot about what to say to her, and he felt like he had his apology speech crafted reasonably well. He dressed in a hurry, pulling on his boots and securing his mask over his scarred eyes. He resolved to seek her out tonight, or tomorrow if he couldn’t find her. If he didn’t talk to her soon, he would chicken out  _ again,  _ and if he chickened out again, he may as well stay in his room forever. 

Of course,  Kanan should have known that Hera always loved disrupting his plans.

He stepped out of his room with a yawn as he finished tying his hair back. He’d gotten better at that lately, usually managing to keep his ponytail almost perfectly centered. It was a small thing, but it made him happier to know that he was at least getting better at  _ something. _

He stopped short as he felt a hand touch his arm, stepping back as if he’d been burned. If he’d been paying attention, he would have felt Hera’s presence before he stepped outside, but he hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep the previous night and he nearly  _ walked into her _ . 

It had been so  _ long _ since he’d been this close to her, and as his senses zeroed in on his surroundings, he realized he could feel her all around him. Not just her unique signature in the Force — a part of him was always tuned to that — but he could feel  _ her.  _ His skin tingled as her hand came to rest on his arm again, and he could smell her, that unique scent that meant safety, home, and kindness. He didn’t realize how much he’d missed her until right at that moment, and he sucked in a breath at how quickly his body started to wake up. Being so close to her after this long gave him a kick that was stronger than any caf he’d ever had. 

“Kanan.” There was the sound of her voice again, and it wasn’t  _ fair _ what that voice could do to him after going any length of time without hearing it. It was music to his ears, and it sounded light, like she was smiling. He really hoped she was smiling, because the alternative was that she was still mad at him, and that was unbearable to think about. “I was hoping to catch you. I need your help.” 

Normally, when she said she needed his help, it was because she wanted to run through battle strategies with him, or she wanted him to deal with something Ezra or Sabine had gotten him into, or she wanted him to clean the fresher again. None of those scenarios were particularly pleasant, and he would always grumble about it, before Malachor. Now, Kanan was really glad his eyes were covered by his mask, because he imagined he must resemble a startled animal, instead of the carefully composed Jedi Knight he was supposed to be. 

He didn’t grumble though- he was still riding the high that came from being near her. “Oh? What did Sabine get herself into this time?” He kept his tone deliberately light, trying desperately not to say anything that would make her remove her hand from his arm. There was a hint of apprehension in his voice that he couldn’t hide though, and he wondered if she could hear it. 

“I picked up a malfunction in the comms array during yesterday’s diagnostic. Could you help me take a look at the wiring?” Hera was all business, as per usual, but Kanan couldn’t help but raise his eyebrows under the mask. He expected her to tell him they needed to talk, for her to sit him down and refuse to let him move until they worked everything out… but instead she was telling him to go fix some wiring. 

Part of him inadvertently cringed at her choice of words, but he tried to ignore it. He knew she didn’t mean anything by it, and he had to start getting better about letting those things slide. He nodded, mumbling an assent. “Caf first. Meet you in the cockpit.” He didn’t need any though. Adrenaline had already woken him up, but he needed a few minutes before he joined her. 

_ What is she trying to do here?  _ The last time she tried to ask for his help, he wound up screaming at her, so why was she asking him again? Did she really need him around that much?  _ Of course she doesn’t. _ Hera was the most capable person he’d ever met; she could certainly handle fixing some wiring without his help. Especially when he couldn’t even see it. 

No. This was Hera’s way of trying to make peace. Giving him a chance to erase his previous outburst while testing how much his condition had improved. He knew this game- they’d played it before. But it was nice to get back to something familiar after being lost at sea for so long.

He managed to get to the cockpit without spilling his caf. He didn’t need to feel around the ship as much anymore; unless Chopper moved some crates again, he could move through the  _ Ghost _ mostly unimpeded. He could feel Hera waiting for him as he walked in, and he could tell she was equal parts content and nervous.  _ She’s probably worried I’m going to freak out again. Can’t really blame her. _

“Where’s the fire?” He felt around for a clear spot to set his mug down before turning to where he thought she was. He couldn’t be sure of course, not anymore, but he assumed she would be sitting in the pilot’s chair, wearing that pouty frown she always got whenever there was a fault on the  _ Ghost _ . He felt an involuntary pang deep in his gut as he pictured it, knowing he would never see it again. 

Hera walked over and took his hand — _ oh,  _ he’d missed that — guiding him towards a spot on the other side of the cockpit. She had already opened the panel on the wall, and her hand guided his to feel through the exposed wires. 

“I could swear I fixed this last week, but apparently the wiring is fried again. I need an extra pair of hands to help me patch it.” 

“Hera…” Kanan was happy she was trusting him again, but he had to ask. “Couldn’t one of the others have taken care of this? I’m not sure I’m going to be much help here.” He bit back the words on the tip of his tongue- _is this really something you want a_ blind man _to help you with?_ _I might wreck the ship even more._

“Kanan.” Her voice was soft, and he stiffened in surprise. It had been a  _ while _ since she said his name like that, and he tried to ignore how good it felt to hear it again. “I trust you. Blind or not.” She squeezed his hand. “And besides, you need to start pulling your weight around here again. No one lives rent-free on my ship.” He could hear her laugh in her voice, and he shivered as he nodded. 

_ Why is she being so nice to me?  _ He didn’t deserve it — not at all. Hera should be giving him the cold shoulder, forcing the issue until he eventually caved, but instead she was still being patient with him, just like always. 

It made him feel guilty as all kriff, and he owed it to her to at least try and do what she asked. He swallowed thickly, before nodding. He wasn’t feeling good about this in the least, but he didn’t think Hera would let anything happen to him. Or rather, she wouldn’t let anything happen to her ship, and if he was there, that probably included him too. 

They mostly worked in silence, Hera giving him directions and guiding his hands to where they needed to be. Her voice was barely above a whisper, and their faces were close enough that his lips nearly brushed her cheek a couple times. The first time, he bit back a smirk at her slight shiver. 

Eventually, he started to get the hang of it. Hera started talking more, giving him verbal instructions but letting him move his hands unassisted to where they needed to be. She mumbled soft words of encouragement every time he managed to find the right wire, and warmth was slowly spreading through him as he got more and more things right. He knew she was watching him intently; there was a limit to how much she trusted him to fix her ship. But he was doing better at this than he thought he would be, and pretty soon they almost had everything spliced exactly the way it needed to be. 

The whole process went off without a hitch, until they were splicing the last wire. Or rather — he was. Hera was watching, letting him work on his own, and right as he was about to fix everything, Kanan jerked his head back as a spark ignited. He swore loudly as Hera let out a loud gasp. Standing up, Kanan paced around the cockpit, shaking out his hand. He wasn’t expecting that — he was so focused on how much he accomplished even with his blindness that he had forgotten he was still  _ dealing with live wires.  _

His hand felt like it was burned, but not badly. Hera was at his side in a heartbeat. “Kanan! Are you alright?” She held his palm in both of her hands as she inspected the injury. She was moving before he even registered it, walking them both out of the cockpit and towards (he suspected) the infirmary. She was still talking, and Kanan tried to focus on her voice instead of the pain. “It doesn’t look like you got burned too badly. A little bit of bacta should fix it right up.” He could hear the tension in her voice, though. 

Guilt was rolling off her in waves, but before he could open his mouth to say something, they were in the medical bay, and Hera was rubbing a small amount of bacta onto his palm. Her touch was impossibly soft, taking care not to aggravate the damaged skin even more. She sighed once she got the bandage on, running her thumb across the back of his hand.

\---

Kanan was still quiet, but Hera could see the corners of his mouth turned down in a small frown. He was tense, but she didn’t think it was from the pain. Truthfully, it was only a minor burn, but her heart nearly stopped when she saw those sparks flying so close to his face.

He had been doing  _ so well  _ before that, and she was so unbelievably proud of the progress he’d made in the past few weeks. She barely had to guide him after the first few minutes; his years of living on the  _ Ghost _ melded seamlessly with his instincts to the point that he got the hang of everything relatively quickly. If she had asked him to do this two weeks ago, he would have shut down completely, but today? He had performed just as well as some of her sighted pilots, and her heart was still swelling with affection. 

He was still staring at the wall. She’d finished wrapping his hand, and now she was just looking at him, holding his hand in both her own. Her heart was pounding; this was the closest she’d been to him in weeks, and she found her eyes raking over his frame. He’d gotten skinnier, like he hadn’t been eating enough, and even though he was still wearing his face guard, she knew the tension had formed a crease in his forehead. 

Kanan’s shoulders were hunched over. Hera could tell he was brooding, and she wanted to snap him out of whatever mental hole he was digging. She squeezed his good hand to get his attention. “Kanan? You alright?” She didn’t miss the way his head subtly turned, seeking out the sound of her voice like a bloodhound. He’d been doing that a lot, since Malachor, and it still made her heart clench every time he did. 

He nodded. “Just a little singed. I’ll be fine.” He sounded so  _ sad _ , the defeat and despair clear as day in his voice. It made Hera ache, made her itch to wrap her arms around him in a bone-crushing hug, but she didn’t. He’d already made so much progress today, and she worried about pushing him too far. But she thought maybe, if she pushed  _ just _ enough, that he would open up just a little. 

“Hey. You were doing really well, you know that?” He always liked that, to get verbal confirmation when he did a good job. Hera suspected it was a relic from his years on the streets, when he made his living by smuggling and did everything he could to stay ahead of the Empire. He hadn’t had anyone to truly give him praise since he was a child at the Temple. 

His lips perked up into something that might have been a small smile for just a second, before his face fell and he sighed. “I  _ thought _ I was. I can’t even fix a damn wire.” There was the self-loathing again, although he wasn’t yelling this time. His voice was soft. The despair was still there, but lessened a bit.  _ Baby steps.  _

She felt him squeeze her hand ever so slightly. “Kanan, you managed just fine. That could have happened to anyone, blind or not. Give yourself some credit, for once.” Her tone was still gentle, but she put just an edge of her  _ Captain Hera _ voice into it. From the way his lip twitched, she knew he could hear it. 

He sighed, hanging his head. “I’m sorry.” The words were a whisper, and she knew he wasn’t just talking about the wiring. “For everything. I just want things to be  _ normal _ again, but I don’t know if it ever will be.” 

“Love, you’ve made so much progress. I’m so  _ proud _ of you, but this is going to take time.” She kept holding his hand, hoping that she wouldn’t accidentally say the wrong thing and push him away again. Not now, not when he was just starting to open up. 

“How much time?” He sounded so small, but Hera didn’t have an answer for him. Kanan knew it too; it was a rhetorical question, one that he needed to put out into the open because it was eating him alive. 

She tried her best anyway. “I don’t know. We’ve just gotta take it one day at a time.” 

He swallowed, taking a deep breath before letting go of her hand. Hera tensed, but it didn’t seem like he was running away, not really. He seemed a bit more relaxed as he moved towards the medbay door, and Hera knew then that even though his walls were starting to come down, he still wasn’t ready to open up all the way yet. She’d put a crack in his armor, weakening the shield he used to push everyone else out, but he needed a bit more time before they could really talk. 

He stopped in the doorway. “Thank you,” he muttered. There was real relief in his voice, but it was still coated in a layer of sadness that Hera didn’t like. She let him go, even though she desperately wanted to stop him. He was starting to come back to her, though, and even though she was upset that he got hurt, her plan went almost as perfectly as it could have.

_ Soon.  _ Today was a start, and she felt better than she had since Kanan and Ezra returned from Malachor. He was finally starting to let people in again, to let  _ her _ in again, and she couldn’t wipe the smile from her face. 

For the first time in a long time, she had hope that things were truly going to be okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is where Kanan and Hera REALLY start to talk, and I'm super hype about it. Hope you enjoy this chapter!! Thanks again to everyone that's stuck with this fic thus far :)
> 
> ALSO: Fair warning, the rating of this fic will likely change to M in the last chapter (I've got two planned chapters left). Wanted to let y'all know now!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera has a new plan, and Kanan finally opens up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay SO, this scene was REALLY fun to write. I had such a good time working on this chapter, and I really hope you like it. 
> 
> Also, mind the rating change!! Nothing M rated happens in this chapter, but the next (and last chapter) will definitely have some M rated content. Just letting y'all know in advance.

The sun was setting over Atollon, painting the sky a bright purple as it faded away. Hera sat on the entry ramp of the Ghost, feeling the cool air on her face and enjoying a well-deserved break from her Rebellion duties. Ezra, Sabine, Zeb, and Chopper had taken another mission with Rex, and they’d taken a squad of X-Wings to retrieve some cargo from another Rebel cell. They wouldn’t be back until early tomorrow morning. 

She sighed deeply, closing her eyes and basking in the last rays of the evening sun. She hadn’t had a moment to herself for days; the Rebellion needed her attention more than ever, and as much as she wanted to, she couldn’t shirk her responsibilities. The rare moment of peace reminded her of the days when it was just her and Kanan on the _Ghost_ , the two of them against the world. That was before the Rebellion grew, before they took on a crew of their own, and before everything got complicated. Back when their biggest problem was what job they were going to take next, instead of Inquisitors and military protocol and injuries they couldn’t walk away from. 

Hera could just make out Kanan’s frame, sitting with his back to the Ghost about half a klick away. He’d been out there for the better part of the day, meditating, as usual. He seemed in better spirits since they’d talked a few days ago; it didn’t seem like he was hiding from everyone quite so much. He was still spending most of his time on his own, but when he came home after a day of meditation, he smiled more than he used to. 

Hera stood up, brushing the dirt off of her flight suit as she made her way towards him. It was getting dark, and as much as she hated interrupting him while he was meditating, she wasn’t going to let him stay out there all night. 

Plus, as much as he’d improved his mood, she knew part of him was still brooding, locked away inside, and she had a plan to tease it out. 

It was a few minutes before she reached him. His eyes were still closed, posture ramrod straight and his back to her. His hair was tied back as usual, blowing in the wind. She heard him sigh as she approached, before he stood up and turned to face her. 

“Hey,” Hera murmured, not wanting to break the quiet. “It’s getting late. You ready to head back to the ship?” 

“Lead the way.” Kanan’s voice was rough, hoarse from disuse, and she tried to suppress the thrill that went through her at the sound. She was still getting used to hearing him speak more than three words a week to her. 

They trekked back to the _Ghost_ in silence, but for the first time, the space between them didn’t seem quite so vast. The silence was more comfortable than awkward, and she didn’t miss the way his body subtly drifted towards her as they walked. It was a beautiful evening, and even though Kanan couldn’t see it, he could feel it. She knew he liked being outdoors on nights like this. 

A few minutes later, they reached the ramp of the ship. Hera was prepared to help him if need be, but to her surprise he didn’t stumble, or make use of the wall to guide him. He walked onto the ship like he’d done before he lost his sight, and the small sign that he really _had_ been making progress warmed her heart. 

Once they were both inside, Hera pressed the button to close the ramp, shutting out the rest of the world so it was just the two of them. She saw Kanan move towards the front of the cargo bay, reaching out to grab the ladder and not fumbling nearly as much as he used to. 

Before he could, though, Hera stopped him. “Kanan?”

\---

She said his name softly, like it was something reverent, and Kanan turned slowly towards the sound. He could feel her standing at the other end of the cargo bay– he still hadn’t perfected using the Force to sense the space around him, but he never had to try with Hera. He always knew where she was, like they were tethered together. 

“Spar with me,” she said, her voice sounding much closer now. 

He froze in surprise, one eyebrow skyrocketing under his mask. “Spar. With you.” Of all the things he expected Hera to say, that was decidedly _not_ one of them. There was a challenge in her voice, one that he would never ignore under normal circumstances, but something clenched in his gut– _could_ he even fight now? “Is that really a good idea?”

“Kanan.” She was even closer to him now, and he tried to ignore the way his body was reacting to her presence. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a voice reminded him that it was _just them_ on the _Ghost_ , for the first time in a while. “We both know you don’t need your eyes to fight. You can’t keep meditating forever, and I’m getting out of practice.” Her voice was still soft, and she was laughing as she finished speaking. 

He gulped; his connection with the Force was still tenuous at best, and he _really_ wasn’t sure he was ready for this. He’d been thinking about trying some drills in the next couple weeks, but apparently Hera wanted to throw a wrench into his plans again, as per usual. And he could never say no to her, no matter how much he may want to. He nodded his head at her in a silent _okay_ , even though he could feel apprehension coiling in the pit of his stomach. But as nervous as he was, he couldn’t help the faint tingle of excitement that ran through him

That was when she kicked his legs out from under him, moving so quickly that he wouldn’t have been able to stop her even if he still had his sight. He went down hard, landing with a grunt as his back hit the cool metal of the cargo bay floor. “Hera, wha–?” His mouth was open in surprise, and he could hear her laughing above him. A moment later she was grabbing his hand, pulling him upright again. 

The adrenaline was coursing through him now, and he could feel her presence moving farther and farther away from him until she called out from across the cargo bay. 

\----

“I’m not going easy on you, Jedi. You’ve come so far in a short time, but you need to get back in the game eventually.” _And maybe some post-battle adrenaline will kickstart that stubborn brain of yours into actually talking to me._ A girl could dream. 

Hera came at Kanan again, slower this time, so he could anticipate it. She felt a bit bad about knocking him down the first time, but now she could see his head slightly cocked, like he was concentrating, trying to focus on his surroundings. She circled him, like an animal stalking her prey, before jabbing a low elbow at his gut– not hard enough to really hurt him, but still enough to be forceful. To her surprise, he deflected it easily, stopping her elbow with his palm and giving her a shove backwards that made her stumble. And _there_ was that smirk, the one that she hadn’t seen in too long, the one that never failed to make her knees weak. 

She smiled back at him, even though she knew he couldn’t see it. “And here I was, thinking you were blind.” 

“I _am._ ” The smirk faltered, but it was back a second later. “But you’re predictable.” And then he moved, jabbing an open handed strike at the spot where her head had been a second before. She avoided it with a second to spare, but he was still advancing on her with a series of fast jabs– a quick left, right, left combination that she knew was part of a form he’d learned in early childhood. 

“So are you.” She was laughing, because he _taught_ her that form years ago, only a few months after she found out his secret. She turned the same combination back on him, following it up with a one-two punch low to the gut and an upward kick at his head. He knew this pattern, had known it for years, so he deflected everything with ease, but something in the way he moved told her that he was a little unsteady. 

They parted for a moment, both breathing harder. Hera was bouncing on the balls of her feet, her blood singing with the energy of a good fight, but as she glanced at Kanan, he stood still, looking towards her. His mouth was turned downward, and even though his face was hidden by the mask he wore, she could tell that he was blocked somehow. 

“You’re holding back.” There was an edge to Kanan’s voice as he spoke, and he folded his arms across his chest. 

“So are you,” she countered again. 

“Don’t. If we’re doing this, we’re doing it for real.”

“Like I said, _Jedi,_ I’m not going easy. That was just a warm up.” Hera was smirking again, egging him on, because as troubled as he was right now, she knew he could never resist a challenge.

He sighed, removing his mask and placing it on the floor behind him. His eyes were still closed, but now she could see more of his face. There was a crease in his forehead, like he was deep in thought. She knew he was trying to concentrate, trying to sense the world around him without relying on the sense he lost. She could see his body wound tight, coiled like a spring, and she waited only a moment more before bounding towards him again. 

She aimed a well-placed right hook at his jaw before swinging her leg around to his left side. He didn’t even bother trying to stop her– instead he _jumped_ , higher than any human should be able to, flipping through the air and landing on his feet behind her. From his expression, he seemed surprised that he was able to pull it off. 

“You’ve been holding out on me,” Hera laughed. 

Kanan shrugged. “Been practicing. Not all the way there yet, but–” Then he moved, lightning fast, knocking _her_ off her feet before she could blink with a well-placed shove. “I think I’m doing alright.” 

She hit the ground with a grunt and he pinned her to the floor, his forearm resting against her throat. That blasted _smirk_ of his was back, too. She pouted up at him. 

“You’re making that face you always make when I win.” His smile covered his whole face now, and as nice as it was to see him happy again after so long, and as much as this position was bringing back some _very_ pleasant memories, her competitive side was taking over. He was _not_ going to win. 

“Oh really?” Hera took advantage of the distraction to shift, grabbing the back of his knees to throw his balance off. He fell with his knees on either side of her, the momentum allowing her to roll backwards and throw him off of her with ease. Kanan was flat on his back again, and she took her time to enjoy the sight as she stood up gracefully. She watched him as he stood up, brushing a few stray hairs out of his face in the process. 

Hera’s hands were on her hips, her head cocked as she watched him. A bead of sweat trailed down his forehead, and he seemed like he had a bit of his old energy back. In the past, sparring served as a good distraction for the two of them, and sometimes they could convince each other to open up about how they were feeling once their adrenaline levels were high enough. 

So, taking advantage of the break as they both caught their breath, she raised an eyebrow at him. “Practicing, huh? Is that what you’ve been doing while you’ve been avoiding me?” She was moving towards him again, and from the way his head seemed to follow her as she did, she knew he could sense it. 

His eyes were still closed, but he flushed red. “I haven’t been avoiding you. I’ve been meditating.” 

Hera was giving him that look, the one that said she really wasn’t buying what he was selling, and from the way he rubbed the back of his neck, she had a feeling he knew. “Uh-huh. And I’m joining the Imperial Academy.” She was moving again now, coming at him harder and faster than before. He dodged the first two punches with moments to spare, but her last open-palmed strike caught him in the shoulder. He grunted in surprise, stumbling backwards and rubbing the spot where she had hit him. “You going to tell me the truth?” 

Kanan blanched, sighing as he caught his breath. “Maybe I’ve been avoiding you _sometimes.”_ _Better._ His tone was sheepish and remorseful as he finally opened his eyes. Hera gasped; she’d seen them before, but now his white eyes seemed to find hers instantly, like he knew, instinctively, where she was. 

“There he is. Talk to me, Kanan. Tell me how you’re feeling.” 

“Hera, I–” She didn’t give him a chance to think too much, before she was coming towards him again, cutting him off as she aimed another punch at his jaw. 

They moved like it was a dance, both dodging blow after blow like they’d been rehearsing it for years. Hera had meant it when she said she wasn’t going easy, but he was _good,_ he always had been. Even without his sight, he was still incredible, and she couldn’t help but be impressed with how well he was adapting. He would miss sometimes, stumbling awkwardly or catching a blow that he should have been able to deflect, and every time he did, his frown got heavier, his brows furrowing. 

“Talk. To. Me.” She punctuated each of her blows with a word, trying to break through his defenses the only way she knew how. She hoped the way his face was changing meant it was working. 

They were impossibly close now, Hera pinning Kanan’s arm against her side and Kanan’s leg in between hers. She could feel him shaking, the exertion mixing with the tension in his frame as she studied his face. His lips were a hair’s breadth away from hers, and as much as she missed kissing him, missed feeling his warm body pressed up against her, he was still holding back.

So, she did the logical thing, and jabbed her knee into his stomach, pressing against his chest at the same time to take him down to the floor again. They hit the ground together, Hera keeping him pinned with her thighs on either side of his torso. Smiling victoriously, she folded her arms across her chest and stared down at him. 

“Talk.” 

“Are you sure? There are much better things to do in this position.” _There_ was the Kanan she remembered, always ready with a joke or snarky comment in any situation. 

She wasn’t having it, though. “Kanan.” It was her no-nonsense Captain’s voice again, and his smirk faded. 

Kanan sighed, leaning his head back against the metal floor and closing his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’ve been an ass.” His voice was soft, and full of anguish. 

“It’s okay,” she murmured back at him. “I get it. But you can’t keep this bottled up.” She moved off him, pulling him to sit upright and turning cross-legged to face him. 

His head was tilted downwards, his unseeing eyes staring at the floor. “I can’t do this, Hera.” 

She expected as much, but part of her wanted to throttle him. How could he not see how strong he was? “Kanan, you _can._ Look at all the progress you’ve made. You’re almost back to fighting like a pro again.” 

He managed a small smile. “Almost? I took you down.” 

“I let you,” she smirked.

His face fell again. “I can manage to sense things around me, sometimes. When I need to. But it’s _exhausting_ , trying to use the Force like this all the time. And it’s like… like the Force is still keeping something from me, and I can’t see it. I don’t know if I’ll ever see it.” His voice was still impossibly soft.

Hera couldn’t pretend to understand the Force like he did, but she knew _him,_ knew his determination and his strength and his ability to do the impossible. “You will, love. You’re getting there.” 

“You don’t know that,” he muttered as he rose to his feet, pacing around the cargo bay floor. His arms were folded across his chest, and she watched him with a thoughtful expression. She waited patiently, knowing he had more to say. “This?” He waved a hand in front of his face. “It’s _awful,_ it’s debilitating, it’s–” His voice broke on the last word, and he swallowed before continuing. Hera could see the pain written all over his body, and she _ached_ to go to him, but he needed to get this out. “I’m so _scared,_ all the time. I’m so angry– at myself, at Maul…” 

Kanan stopped pacing, staring off into the distance. Hera wondered what he was seeing, in his mind’s eye. “And I _know_ I shouldn’t be, I _know_ this is how Jedi fall, but I– I can’t help it. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to keep being what you all need me to be. I–” He broke off with a shaky exhale, falling back to his knees as he let out something like a sob. 

“Kanan.” She whispered it, because she knew how hard it was for him to finally say it out loud. He always thought he had to be impossibly strong, to never let the rest of them see how much he was hurting, but he never seemed to think about himself in the process. She scooted closer to him, placing a hand on his shoulder as she saw a few tears trickle down his face. 

“Love, we need you to be _you._ We don’t care about your abilities. You’re family– we just want you to be happy.” 

His breaths were coming in tiny hitching sobs, and she wiped away the few tears that had leaked out with her thumb. “I haven’t been this scared since I was fourteen, after the Purge. It feels like it did back then– like I’m _drowning_.”

“I know, _hey_ ,” she murmured as his lower lip began to tremble. “It’s not going to be like this forever.” 

He didn’t say anything for a few minutes. They sat there in silence, her heart breaking for him, for the life he’d led and everything he’d lost. The galaxy hadn’t been kind to Kanan Jarrus over the years, and she hated to think of him suffering like this on his own. Tears began to trickle steadily down his face, and Hera kept one hand on his shoulder while the other reached to grab his own.

Eventually he sighed, wiping at the stray tears and picking his head up. He took a few deep breaths before speaking. “I miss seeing you. I’m so scared I’m going to forget what you look like.” And _that_ tore right at her heart, because the raw pain in his voice was unmistakable. Underneath it all, the thing he was most afraid of was losing her, and it made her _ache_ to hear him say it. He was whispering, trembling as he spoke, and she _hated it_ , hated that his mind was torturing him like this, and hated that she couldn’t fix it. 

Hera grabbed his hands in both of hers, squeezing them tightly as she swallowed down the lump in her throat. Her hands were shaking as she slowly stripped off the gloves he was wearing, before bringing his hands to rest on either side of her face. “I’m here. I’m right here, love.” Now her own voice was quiet, a whisper echoing through the cargo bay as she watched his face crumble again. 

Kanan’s hands moved slowly across her face, his fingers tracing over her skin with a feather-light touch. He ran his hands over her cheekbones, the bridge of her nose, and the curve of her eyebrows. His eyes were closed, almost like he was meditating, like he was trying to commit every inch of her face to memory. Finally he ran his thumb over the curve of her lips and she smiled– because Kanan always said he loved seeing her smile and she was going to make damn sure that he knew what that felt like. 

He smiled back at her, a smile wider than any she’d seen since he was blinded. He touched her like she would fade away if he let go, and Hera couldn’t help the tears welling in her eyes as she watched him look at her. She’d never felt more revered, more cherished in her entire life, and she couldn’t help but feel immensely grateful in that moment that, out of all the strangers she could have bumped into on a collapsing mining colony, she found this one.

Finally, he sighed, still smiling, as he cupped her face in both hands, leaning his forehead against hers. His eyes were open, looking right at her, and she gripped his wrists in her hands as she watched him. Her heart was pounding at being so close to him after all this time spent thinking she would never be with him like this again, that he would never let her get close. His lips were inches from her own, and he smelled _so_ good– the scent of sweat and leather and something else all woven together in a way that was so uniquely _his_.

“You’re not alone, Kanan. Not ever. I’m not going anywhere.” And then she pressed her lips to his after too long spent apart, swallowing his small _mmph!_ of surprise as she did so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure you can all guess where this is heading... ;)
> 
> This represents the first fight scene I have ever written in my life, so feedback is very much appreciated. And I know we only got a tiny glimpse inside Kanan's head here, but the last chapter was mostly from Kanan's perspective- I wanted a little balance. And the next chapter will also largely be from Kanan's POV.
> 
> Also, holy HECK you guys, we only have one more chapter! This fic has been a really great time and I will be sad to see it end. But also happy that you've all enjoyed the ride! 
> 
> As always, thank you to everyone who's been reading this monster of a fic (I'm pretty sure this represents my longest fic to date? wild), and stay tuned for the final chapter!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE'VE REACHED THE END OF THE LINE FOLKS!!! 
> 
> This chapter gets smutty, but there is very little explicit detail and it's more focused on the emotions, so I kept the rating at M rather than E. Though, since ratings are open to interpretation, be warned that there is smut here!! But its wholesome established relationship smut! 
> 
> This has been so incredibly fun to write and I love all of you for sticking with this fic until the end. I really hope you've enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it! If you want to keep in touch, feel free to follow me on twitter @targaryenjedii

For a moment, Kanan was frozen, his entire body stiff as he tried to remember how to breathe. His brain was short-circuiting; the shock of Hera’s lips against his after _so_ _long_ made his heart race and his muscles tense up. 

When he didn’t respond after a few moments, he felt Hera freeze too, before breaking away from him, moving to let go of his hands. It broke the spell, and suddenly he was chasing her lips, reaching for her like a drowning man coming up for air. He let out a low, needy sound that was almost a _whine_ as he grabbed her face again.

Dragging her back to him, he pressed a hand to the small of her back to bring her closer. And then he was _finally_ kissing her, hot and heavy and desperate as he felt the tidal wave of _want_ punch low in his gut. The sound Hera made as she wrapped her arms around his neck would be burned into his memory forever. Then her mouth opened, and her tongue met his as he tightened his grip. 

Clumsily, they stumbled to their feet, managing not to break contact the whole time. Their lips never stopped moving, hard and bruising and demanding, and he thought, _how,_ how _could I forget how good this feels?_ Hera started walking backwards, and then he felt her back hit the wall, his hand coming to brace himself against the cool metal so he didn’t crush her against it. But she was having none of it, grabbing his shirt to pull him flush against her and whimpering his name into his ear as she pulled his hair loose from its tie. 

Every nerve in Kanan’s body was burning, like liquid fire coursing through his veins and consuming him from the inside. Hera’s hands were carding through his hair, pulling him impossibly closer so that every inch of his body was pressed against hers. He couldn’t think– he could barely even remember his own name. Everything he felt was _Hera_ , the feel of her hands and her mouth mixing with the waves of _love_ and _want_ and _more_ and _finally_ pouring from her and permeating the Force around them. 

It was almost enough to drive him mad.

Her hands were wandering, dragging down his back to untuck his shirt from his pants. They roamed underneath, pressing against his bare skin, and he breathed her name like a _prayer_ as she touched him like this for the first time in weeks. Every spot she brushed tingled with a faint spark of electricity that Kanan had _never_ felt before, not like this, and as their lips kept moving, he wondered if his other senses really were becoming more sensitive after all. Because nothing, _nothing_ had ever felt this good, not in his entire life. 

He tore himself away from her mouth to drag his lips down her jaw, his hands roaming freely down her sides to hitch one of her legs over his hip. Hera moaned his name again; she was rarely this vocal when they did this, but with a jolt he remembered it was _just the two of them_ on the ship, and they didn’t have to worry about keeping quiet this time. He loved her voice, he always had, and now it was like the sounds she made were amplified, kicked up to eleven. 

Kanan pressed kisses against her neck, moving down, down until he reached her pulse point, and he moaned as she tugged on his hair _just_ the way he liked. But he tried to think, tried to look past the haze of arousal, because he needed to tell her just how much she meant to him, how much he hated the weeks away from her. 

Hera gasped against him as his lips found a spot at the base of her throat, and as he dragged his mouth across her skin he mumbled, “I’m sorry, I missed you, I need you, I’m so _sorry_.”

She dragged him back up to her mouth, and he could feel a wave of sadness creep into the heady mix of emotions pouring from her. She pressed softer kisses all across his face, feather-light against his cheeks and nose before coming back to his lips. “Don’t be sorry. You’re here. We’re here. We’re okay.” 

Then she dragged his shirt over his head, her hand finding his naked chest for the first time as he pulled at the buckles of her flight suit and the fastenings that held her armor in place. His hands were shaking, fumbling as Hera moved to guide him to the right places. “I pushed you away,” he whispered. “You tried to help me, and–”

“Kanan.” She kissed him again, harder this time, as if she was trying to stop his train of thought in its tracks. He managed to get her shoulder plates off, and he pulled at her chest armor as her hand found its way back into his hair. “Stop thinking, love. Just be here.” And another wave of affection _surged_ through him, because Hera always had an uncanny ability to say exactly what he needed to hear, and _stars,_ he loved her for it. 

He bit back a growl as he grabbed her hands, all but _yanking_ her towards where he thought the ladder up to the bunks was. As badly as he wanted her right now– and he really did _want_ – he wasn’t about to let their first time together in months happen in the cargo bay. Hera laughed, catching on to his intentions, and guided him to the ladder. She went up first, and he climbed faster than he ever had in his life to catch up to her, fighting the uncomfortable tightness in his pants as he did so. 

Hera pulled him back to her when he reached the top, kissing him again as she pulled him towards the bunks. He followed where she led, their lips still moving as they stumbled through the _Ghost_ . He dimly registered a low _hiss_ as a door opened behind him. Hera _shoved_ him through it, and only the dim, faded presence of his holocron close by made him realize she’d brought them to his cabin. 

He heard the door close behind them, heard her punch in the code to lock it for good measure, and the anticipation coiled low in his gut as he waited for her to come to him again. He knew he must look a mess, swollen lips, mussed hair, and the unmistakable tent of his pants making for quite the sight. Hera laughed, low and dangerous from somewhere in front of him, and _Force_ , he still couldn’t get enough of hearing that sound again.

\----

Kanan was beautiful, standing still and breathing hard as he waited for her to join him again. The burn mark across his eyes was still jarring to look at, but she didn’t care, not as long as he was still breathing. Not as long as he was starting to come back to himself, come back to _her_ . His skin was flushed, his cheeks pink and his body warm as she dragged his lips down to hers again for another heated kiss. Hera’s blood was boiling, her lekku curling and the adrenaline pumping through her as her body practically _sang_ with anticipation

The fire that was raging between them in the cargo bay had become less frantic, instead turning into something _more,_ a low simmer of desire that burned the both of them from the inside out. Kanan’s hands dragged along her sides, running over her breasts and searching for the right buckles to get the rest of her flight suit undone. When she moved them to the right spot, he wasted no time, undoing the fastenings from muscle memory alone. Then _finally_ , his bare skin touched hers as he started dropping kisses across her collarbone, his teeth finding that one spot that made her _mewl._ He let out a low grunt as her hips pressed against his. _Oh, that’s a good noise_. They were both so used to keeping things from the kids that she didn’t hear those sounds often enough. 

He fumbled with her belt, his lips travelling lower and lower until his mouth reached her chest. She moaned, pulling at his hair again, because _stars,_ she’d _missed_ him, missed his easy laugh and his lazy smile and the things he could do with his tongue. Having him like this again was a better high than flying. 

Hera helped him get the rest of the buckles undone, and he tugged the rest of her flight suit down her legs as she pulled at the buckle of his pants. There was a brief flurry of movement as they both shucked the rest of their clothes, and she pushed him backwards until his knees hit the bunk behind them. Then Kanan was lying backwards, pulling her on top of him so she was draped across his body. 

He stopped, letting her get comfortable as her knees straddled his torso. But Hera wasn’t in a hurry, not anymore. Not when they were alone like this and they had hours of uninterrupted time together before the kids came back.

The dim light cast a shadow over his face, the burns a stark contrast against the rest of his coppery skin. She fought back the involuntary clench of her heart as she stared at his milky white eyes, but from the way his lips twisted into a grimace, she knew he must sense her trepidation. To distract him, she rocked her hips against his, enjoying the small moan he gave and the way his grip tightened against her waist.

“Tease,” Kanan groaned. He pressed a kiss to her throat, sucking a small mark into the sensitive skin there. 

“What’s the hurry, love?” He raised an eyebrow in a silent question.“We’ve got time,” she laughed. 

Time was a luxury, one they rarely got to indulge in with the life they led. From the way Kanan smirked, he was perfectly fine with making this last as long as possible. 

Hera pushed herself off of him, sitting upright so she could stare down at every inch of warm, soft human skin underneath her. He was still, ready and waiting and following her lead, just like always. He may have named himself Specter One, but he always, _always_ , put her first, especially when they were alone together. Hera decided it was high time she returned the favor. 

Slowly, she dragged her hand across his chest, keeping her touch feather-light and agonizingly slow. Her fingers explored him, because even though they’d done this so many times by now, this may as well have been the first time all over again. He couldn’t see, but he could still _feel_ , and she was going to make damn sure he could feel _everything._ Kanan whimpered as she traced the contours of his face, dragging out every touch so he could really feel it. Then, she ever-so gently ran her fingers over the burned skin around his eyes, the texture foreign and strange. 

“ _Hera.”_ His voice was thick with an emotion she couldn’t quite place as she carefully kissed the scars, dragging her lips down his face until she found his mouth again. 

“Kanan,” she murmured, tracing his closed eyelids with her fingertips. “This isn’t going to beat you. You hear me?”

He sighed, resting his forehead against hers and opening his eyes. Even though he couldn’t see her, would never see her, she still felt like he was staring right into her soul as he replied. “I know I said thank you, but that doesn’t even _begin_ to cover it.” 

“You never have to thank me for taking care of you, you know that by now.” Because really, how could he think she would _ever_ stop caring for him, after everything they’d been through? There wasn’t anything in the galaxy that could make her do this job without Kanan Jarrus by her side.

He sighed again. “I know. Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it.”

“I know you do,” she said. “But I told you to stop thinking.” Now her tone was flirty, aggressive, trying to distract him from whatever doubts were still plaguing his mind. He smirked, running a hand down her right lek with _just_ the right amount of pressure to make her squirm.

But she wasn’t done yet, and she dragged her mouth down the center of his chest.

\----

Hera kissed down Kanan’s stomach, and his pulse skipped as he realized her intentions. She stopped briefly to swirl her tongue around his navel, and he writhed beneath her as he fisted his hands in the sheets. 

And then he felt nothing but a deep, burning pleasure, and his only thought was _oh sweet fucking Force, this woman is going to kill me._

Her hand grabbed his, twining their fingers together as he let out a shaky moan. The pleasure threatened to overwhelm him as Hera drove him higher and higher. She rarely did this; they usually didn’t have time, and he was always too impatient to be inside her. But now, he was practically incoherent, mumbling her name over and over again like it was the only word in his vocabulary. His other hand found its way to her lekku again, and she moaned around him as it did.

 _This isn’t going to beat you._ The wave of pure adoration slammed into him all at once, and he bit back the sudden tears that welled up in his eyes. Hera had so much faith in him that it made him ache, and he knew he would never be worthy of her. But somehow, _somehow_ , she still thought he was worth half a damn, and he had no idea what in the galaxy he did to deserve it. 

Kanan gasped as her mouth started moving faster and faster, until– “ _Hera.”_ It came out as a strangled warning, because he felt like he was about to combust at any moment. She got the message, though, climbing back up his body and back to his lips. From the way she laughed, he knew she had that wide smirk on her face, the one she only used when they played like this. He missed seeing it terribly, but the mental picture came back quickly as he traced her lips with his fingertips. 

His body was brimming with energy, his skin prickling like tiny jolts of electricity were surging through him. Every inch of Hera’s body was pressed against his, and every spot they touched was hyper-sensitive. Another pang of bittersweet emotion coursed through him at the overwhelming desire to _see_ her, really see her, and in a flash he flipped them over so that she was pinned to the mattress underneath him. He framed the sides of her head in his hands, still achingly hard but suddenly desperate to feel her, to re-learn every inch of her skin and re-commit her body to memory the only way he could.

With his eyes closed, he started at the top of her head, and his fingers moved impossibly slow as they trailed down her lekku. First one, then the other, keeping his movements as light as possible. His brow was furrowed, and he was slipping into an almost meditative state. He traced her face, trying to will the Force to give him this, _please, let me have this, I can’t forget this_. Training his brain to memorize every contour of her body by sheer force of will alone. 

Kanan’s lips joined his hands, pressing kisses over every inch of her face until he reached her mouth. He kissed her softly as she twined her fingers in his hair, hanging loose and messy across his face. 

“ _Kanan.”_ The whisper was barely audible against his lips. 

“I want to see you.” _Really_ see her, the only way he could now.

His voice was hoarse, suddenly thick with emotion, and he kept up the steady motion of his hands as they dragged down her upper arms. He was rubbing circular motions into her sweat-slicked skin, and he could feel the emotion pouring out from her as her breath hitched. The Force around them was thick, cloudy, the power of their joined feelings causing it to coalesce around them like a shield. It was overwhelming his senses, adding to everything he was already feeling, and it was a struggle to keep up his movements as his hands started to shake. 

He felt her swallow thickly as she nodded, her head falling back against the pillow as she breathed his name again. “I’m right here.” She said it like she was trying to drill it into his skull, like she knew a part of him still thought she would fade away and leave him alone if he let go of her.

Kanan took his time, moving down her body as he explored her with his hands. He felt like he needed to learn everything about her all over again, even after all the times they’d done this. His whole world was different now, reduced to darkness and touch. But he was adapting, learning how to read the signs her body was giving him even without seeing her face. He set a slow, leisurely pace, even though it took every ounce of his self-control not to satiate his initial urge right then and there. But they had time, so much time, and she was here and willing and _his_ , and he wasn’t going to waste this. 

Hera let out tiny moans as he moved, and they only spurred him on. “Keep doing that,” he mumbled against her chest, as he moved down to her stomach. “I like hearing you.” She knew that, of course, he was never shy about it when they were in bed. But now it was more than that, it was one more source of stimulation that he was chasing to make up for his lost sight. 

She laughed as he kept going, his fingers mapping her stomach. She squirmed, trying to guide him to where she wanted him, but he wasn’t done yet. He pressed her hips down, smirking against her upper thigh. “Patience, love.” 

She laughed again, and it was better than music.

He kissed his way down one leg and up the other, tracing old scars and birthmarks and markings with shaky fingers. They both had their share of scars–it was impossible not to with the life they’d led, but he made it a point to re-trace every single one with his fingers and tongue. From the way she was writhing against him, she seemed to like it. 

Eventually, though, she got impatient, grabbing his head and tugging him towards her core, towards where she desperately needed him. And oh _Force,_ this he _really_ missed. 

Hera was warm and needy against him, and she let out the loudest moan yet as she tugged at his hair. He was still taking his time, working her with his fingers and tongue as she took one of his hands and squeezed tightly. She was getting grabby, and Kanan smiled as he pressed his lips against her thigh. 

Kanan drove her higher, but kept his movements too light to really give her what she wanted. He loved teasing her like this, loved watching her squirm until she was practically _begging_ him to take pity on her. It was the only time he’d seen Hera beg in his _life_ , and it always sent a guilty thrill straight to his core knowing that it was because of him. 

Eventually, Hera all but _growled_ at him, dragging him forcefully back up her body until she was kissing him, frantic and forceful as her arms looped around his neck. “Tease,” she muttered, throwing his words back at him. 

And then, before he could blink, he found himself on his back again, with Hera straddling his hips. He could feel her, warm and pressing against where he so desperately wanted her, and he let out a shaky breath as his hands found purchase against her hips. She kissed him again as he murmured her name, letting it drop from his lips like a blessing. 

“Hera, I—” His voice broke off as he swallowed back the lump in his throat. There was so much he wanted to say, all jumbled together in his head. _I need you. I can’t live without you. This darkness is only bearable because you’re here._ But she cut him off with a finger against his lips before he could. 

“You’re still thinking too much.” He could hear the smile in her voice as she lifted her hips. 

And then Kanan threw his head back against the pillow as she sunk down onto him in one motion. All rational thought left his brain as his body burned white-hot and the wave of pure unadulterated pleasure flowing from Hera touched his senses. The raw emotions flowing through the Force threatened to overwhelm what little composure he had left, and he focused on trying to remember how to breathe. 

When he calmed down enough to move again, he reached for her, pulling her flush against his chest and catching her lips in another bruising kiss. He clung to her like she was the only thing tethering him to reality, sighing her name again as she started to move. 

Hera started slow at first, then faster and faster until Kanan was seeing stars, his hands shaking and his pulse skipping as she rode him. His hands ran up the sides of her body, higher and higher until he reached her face. Hera gasped as he trailed his fingers down the side of one lek, and he would _never_ get tired of hearing that sound, not ever in his life. He did it again and again, dragging his fingertips from root to tip until she was practically trembling with pleasure above him.

He thought he might actually die, trapped underneath her like this, completely at her mercy as wave after wave of sensation threatened to overwhelm him. But if he did, he wouldn’t complain, because he felt nothing but contentment pouring from her as she bent to kiss him once more. There was nothing but sheer _joy_ , seeping out from her mind like blood from a wound, and he was light-headed at the strength of it. Usually, Hera made a conscious effort to control her feelings, always presenting only what the situation at hand called for. She almost _never_ let her emotions flow freely, even when they were alone, and the fact that she was trusting him like this nearly brought tears to his eyes. She put her body and her heart and now her very _soul_ in his hands, and he swallowed down the lump that was rapidly forming in his throat. 

Hera’s lips were still pressed against his, but she seemed to sense that something was wrong as she broke the kiss and brought a hand up to his face. “Kanan?” 

She dragged her thumb against his cheek, and he sucked in a breath as his heart stuttered in his chest. In a flash, he flipped them over, so Hera was underneath him, and he swallowed her small grunt of surprise as he kissed her again. It was hard, bruising at first until he let out a shaky sigh, breaking away to lean his forehead against hers. He felt her slight tinge of apprehension seep into the Force around them. 

“I don’t deserve you,” he murmured. “I never did, and now–” He pressed his face into the crook of her neck to avoid finishing the sentence. But Hera could always see right through him, and she lifted his head so she could take his face in her hands. 

“ _Hey._ Don’t give me that. Not again.” She pressed a feather-light kiss against his lips. “This–” She traced the burns over his eyes with the tip of one finger. “Doesn’t change _anything_ . You’re still you, and you’re enough. You’ve _always_ been enough.” She kissed him once more for good measure, and now Kanan was simply too overwhelmed to speak. He could feel so much _love_ pouring from her as their lips met that it snapped any restraint he may have had. 

His emotions were in free-fall, devotion, passion, and something like relief mixing with the undertone of guilt and sorrow to form a bizarre cocktail in his mind. The careful grasp he had on his feelings was truly failing him for the first time since he was a teenager. But underneath it all, underneath the complicated _mess_ that made up Kanan Jarrus, there was _Hera,_ only Hera, and his overwhelming feelings for her that resided at the very core of his being. The growing conviction, as immutable as breathing, that he loved her, in a way the Jedi of old were never supposed to love, and he always would. 

Kanan brought his lips down to her neck as a surge of _want_ came back, and then he was moving again. His hips met hers again and again as he trailed a hand down between them. Hera cried out as his fingers found their target, and he knew it would only be a few minutes until this was over for both of them. 

His body was still moving against hers as he felt her tense all over, letting out the loudest moan yet as she shuddered against his neck. She trembled through the aftermath, clinging to him like a lifeline, and he was helpless not to follow her over the edge.

\---

For a few minutes, there was only silence, both of them breathing hard as they came down from the high. Hera was slowly running her fingers through Kanan’s hair, pressing soft kisses against the top of his head as he buried his face in her shoulder again. 

He was always so beautiful like this, skin flushed and warm and his mind clear. It was these moments that Hera treasured above all else, the aftermath of passion when it was just _them,_ just peace and solitude. The Rebellion and the kids and the Empire were far away, and the two of them could have a moment to breathe.

There was a brief moment of awkward practicality as Hera pushed him upright, leading him to the fresher. Her legs were a little unsteady, but a few moments later they made it back to his bed, his head resting against her chest and his arm slung around her waist. It wasn’t his usual lazy grip; normally he would crack a joke about how she wore him out as he traced lazy patterns into her skin. Now though, he was silent, his hand still and his brow furrowed. 

She pressed her lips lightly against his forehead. “You’re brooding again.”

He laughed, a low rumble. “Sorry.” But there was still a tension in his brow that she didn’t like, and she smoothed it away with her thumb. 

“Don’t be. I expected nothing less,” Hera laughed. 

He chuckled again, and a small part of her relaxed. “I’m that predictable?” It was a flirty whisper, but underneath there was a layer of something sad that he couldn’t hide. He was always the most open when they were in bed together, and Hera shamelessly took advantage of it as much as she could.

“Sorry to burst your bubble.”

They were silent for a few minutes, Hera’s hand still carding through his hair. She kept up a slow, steady rhythm as he reached for her other hand. He twined their fingers together, pressing his lips to the back of her hand. 

“That’s nice,” he muttered. His voice was barely more than a whisper, and Hera fought the urge to laugh again. She’d always known he liked it when she played with his hair, but he rarely ever admitted it. 

“I meant what I said, love.” Her cheek came to rest on the top of his head. “This is _not_ going to beat you. And you’re _always_ enough– don’t you _ever_ forget that.”

Kanan sighed, and she felt him tense up a little more. She knew he was about to say something idiotic, as usual, about how he wasn’t good enough or strong enough to get through this, but she pressed her finger against his lips before he could. She cursed his stubbornness and his perpetual self-loathing, because it never ceased to amaze her how such a profoundly _good_ person could think so little of himself. 

“This doesn’t change _anything._ ” She was repeating herself, but she couldn’t help it; the realization that he thought she wouldn’t want him anymore shook her to the core. Because really, how could he _possibly_ think that any injury would make her think any less of him? She’d seen him at his absolute _worst_ , when he was little more than a drunken brawler wasting his life on a backwater moon, and even then she knew how special he really was. “Tell me you hear me.”

He swallowed, opening his eyes and tilting his head up towards the sound of her voice. “I hear you.” His voice was so small she could barely hear it, but the raw emotion in his tone was unmistakable. So few people had made him feel like he was worth a damn in the years since the Jedi fell, and Hera had decided a long time ago that she would never stop reminding him how incredible he was. 

She could feel his breathing start to even out, but she wasn’t about to let him go to sleep yet, not while there was still more to say. “Promise me something.”

“Anything,” Kanan mumbled.

“No more hiding.” She kept her voice soft, but there was an edge to it underneath.

“Hera–”

“ _No more hiding_. You’re not in this alone, love. Let us help.”

He sighed again, and she could see his throat working. “No more hiding,” he agreed in a low voice.

“Come back to me. Believe it or not, I’ve missed you.” It was a joke, a feeble attempt to make him laugh again, because of _course_ she’d missed him. She knew he’d probably been able to _feel_ how much she’d missed him permeating through the Ghost. But there was sadness in her voice too, because the past few weeks had been some of the hardest of her life. 

He chuckled, squeezing her hand, but his brow was still furrowed slightly. “I promise.” He whispered the words into her neck as he tightened his grip around her waist, squeezing her closer like he never wanted to let go. The brief motion sent a wave of affection right to her core.

They were silent again, Hera still stroking Kanan’s hair as she felt his heartbeat slow against her chest. His eyes were closed, the tension in his brow nearly gone, and she knew he must be exhausted. He hadn’t gotten much sleep since he lost his sight, and she knew the toll that must have taken on his body. 

A few minutes passed, and she thought Kanan had fallen asleep. But then he stirred briefly, shifting to burrow closer into her neck and sighing quietly. “Love you, Hera. _So much._ Always have.”

Hera froze, sucking in a breath as she registered what he said. She glanced down at him, needing to see his face, but his eyes were closed, his expression peaceful. His breathing was slow and even, his arm relaxed against her side. 

She knew Kanan felt deeply, more passionately than the old Jedi, but he’d never said those words aloud. But she saw the way he looked at her, like she was the center of the whole galaxy no matter where they were and who they were with. He always fought to keep her safe above all else, offering himself up as bait or happily taking a blaster bolt for her, if he thought it would keep her out of danger. 

They had an unspoken agreement years ago, that as much as they might care for each other, they wouldn’t cross that line. Their lives belonged to the Rebellion and the kids, and as much as they both might want more, they couldn’t have it.

And yet… Hera remembered the soul-crushing fear that had paralyzed her when he left for Malachor. Even before that, when she nearly lost him to Tarkin and the Empire, every waking thought was about him, worrying that she would never see his smile again. She couldn’t imagine doing this without him, not ever, and every time she thought about what the future may hold, Kanan was always by her side. That was never in question. 

As much as she didn’t want to admit it, Hera crossed that unspoken line a long time ago. 

She took one last look at his sleeping face, pressing her lips once more to the top of his head as she closed her eyes. “I love you too, you idiot. You’re the strongest person I know, and you’re going to be okay.” _I promise._

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback/kudos are very much appreciated, as always!!!
> 
> If you liked this fic, might I suggest you also check out my post-Fire Across the Galaxy fic? https://archiveofourown.org/works/24246544


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